A Single Valentine

There is a school of thought that suggests Valentine’s Day was invented by men for one simple reason; to give women the impression that they are romantic and compassionate by offering this solitary, meaningless annual gesture while they spend the other 364 days sniffing at the tail of every dog in the street. It’s genius really. But what of the single man, how does this romantic holiday affect him?

Many single women tend to get their knickers in a twist around this time of year, but it seems that the same does not apply to men. If there does happen to be any self-respecting male out there who feels an impending doom about being single on 14 February 2012, please announce it now and the Repo-Men will be called for your testicles.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Valentine hater, I genuinely enjoy the day and all the trimmings/nonsense that goes with it. I love breaking out the old crayons and stencil art to make the ultra-romantic card. Hell, I even love writing the odd poem or two. I won’t be doing any of that business this year however, unless Rooney Mara responds to my mails, so what can I look forward to when that crazy Tuesday rolls around?

The answer is unlimited opportunity, as many single women tend to lose all sense of dignity and decorum as the day draws to a close. In the early evening, they gather like a pack of wolves sipping cocktails, lying to both themselves and each other about how “I don’t need Tommy, he can have that skinny bitch. She’s not even good-looking.” Later on, however, things will start to go south as soon as one of the pack lands a victim. That familiar smell of desperation will begin to linger, like a fart trapped beneath a duvet, and each member of the pack will make the conscious decision that they will not be spending the night alone, no matter what. This decision will bring the woman full circle, from proud and independent to insecure and loose.

I remember “my friend” recalling a single Valentine’s night from his University days. He and his buddies did absolute wreck, if the stories can be believed. He claims to have said outrageous things to women that would usually have earned him a firm slap in the puss and watching them lap it up like a Christian on a Sunday. College Road was like a Women’s Mini-Marathon with the shame walks the following morning, by all accounts.

All jokes aside, Valentine’s night is notorious for guys landing girls who, on any other night, wouldn’t even allow him enough face time for the poor fellow to be able to include her in his bedroom solo-missions. One night per year boys, it’s all we get and you can be sure “my friend” will spend it whispering sweet-nothings into the ear of some little haunt, or two.