11 Jan 2012

Browsing Friends

It’s important to have a good wingman, and I guess that’s why Chrome and I get on so well. We’ve been best friends ever since I asked him for directions to the P.E. hall on the first day of school. We’re thick as thieves at this stage, so much so, he practically finishes my sentences.

You should see him in action, slicker than slick, he is. You’ll never catch him out. No matter what you throw at him, he always has an answer at the ready. He can be a bit sleazy for certain tastes; I mean I have often seen him operate incognito when dealing with the fairer sex, breaking hearts for sport. I can assure you he doesn’t even remember the names of those poor girls.

As a result of his renegade-like lifestyle, Chrome has had to deal with a certain amount of animosity over the years. My Dad, Internet Explorer, or IE as my friends call him, thinks he’s somewhat of a Johnny-Come-Lately. IE is what we would call ‘old school’, he gets his thrills from rambling around the golf course on a Sunday morning giving out about Chrome’s yellow trousers.

Truth be told, IE is getting a bit slow. I’m constantly forced to repeat myself with him, and it’s only on rare occasions that I get a relevant response. He also suffers from chronic narcolepsy, which doesn’t help. Every time I turn my back, he just crashes.

IE isn’t the only one who gives Chrome a hard time though, our ‘friend’ Safari hates him. Safari is a guy we went to school with, the kind of guy who always had to be different, somewhat of a hipster. I met him over Christmas actually; he was reading Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment outside a cafĂ© on South William Street wearing two jackets, a scarf, a hat, gloves and, if I’m not mistaken, a snood. He spent half an hour lecturing me about Chrome’s apparently misguided mainstream views, all the while using his fork to chase an amuse-bouche around his plate. He also spent some time giving out about mainstream movies and mainstream music. He uses the word ‘mainstream’ a lot.

My big brother, Firefox, is the only one who doesn’t give Chrome a hard time. He was my wingman a few years back, and we did well. Firefox is a really solid guy. Women automatically trust me when I am hanging around with him, they know him and they like him. He is the opposite of Chrome; he’s an accountant, he drives a Toyota Avensis and he’s a bad dancer. However, what he lacks in flash, he makes up for in reliability. He’s the type that won’t let a girl down, but he’s not likely to sweep her off her feet by the same token.

Ultimately, I guess it depends on what type of girl I’m looking to attract. I could go cougar hunting around the bingo circuit with IE, that’s one option. I could hang around the indie movie-theatre with Safari and do recreational drugs with some chick who hates her parents. I could head to a trendy bar with Firefox and find a sensible, well-educated woman looking for a long term relationship. Or, I could just head to Coppers with Chrome and roll the dice.

Taxi to Harcourt Street, please.

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